Charities, schmarities. Cut their cash

Well, it's about time.

In order to get more cops on the street, the Greeley City Councilguys decided this week to cut the amount of dough they give to charities.

Well, it's about time. We've paid enough of our hard-earned money just to help those people who are starving or freezing or stuff like that.

Mayor Big Ed said there are some charities the city shouldn't be giving dough to.

We need to spend our money on more cops, so we can just arrest those homeless people and put them in jail. That way, the county pays the bill, and the city doesn't have to.

See how easily that works?

Anyway, we all agree that the Councilguys are doing the right thing. And it's only the beginning:

GREELEY -- In a huge secret thing today, the Greeley City Council decided to take away toys from poor children and put the little tykes to work in salt mines. "It's about time these kids started earning their keep around here," said Council Member Scrooge McDuck.

GREELEY -- Wild, crazy pianists and violinists and tubaists and other nasty musical people marched on the Greeley City Hall today after the Councilguys cut the musicians' budget.

The budget cuts included the Greeley Chamber Orchestra, Greeley Chorale and the Greeley Philharmonic.

With torches in hand, the maniacal musicians threatened to play a never-ending concert of classical opera in the city hall parking lot. Two hours later, the Councilguys finally gave in after several employees threatened to shoot themselves if they had to listen to any more opera.

GREELEY -- A group called "Promises" announced today they might not be able to keep their promises after the city backed down from its promise to help the promising Promises group. As to the future, Promises made no promises, and the Councilguys showed no promise to do better in the promising future.

GREELEY -- Armed with tons of rotten tomatoes, hundreds of former clients of the Weld Food Bank stormed City Hall today, leaving Councilguys blotched with runny red stuff.

"That's the last time we'll cut off funding to the Food Bank when they still have something mushy to throw," said Councilmember Mary Ketchup.

GREELEY -- The Pope today sent a nasty letter to the Greeley City Council after they cut off funding to the local Catholic Charities group.

To be fair, Mayor Big Ed also said they also decided to cut off funding for the Unitarian Charities, Druid Charities and Atheist Charities.